Monday, May 19, 2014

For the 1st time in almost 4 years...

I woke up this morning a little emotional....

I started to think and I realized that for the 1st time in 3.5 years I am not pregnant or breast feeding. Now don't get me wrong, I do NOT have baby fever even the smallest bit. I still have 2 babies and I am just trying to survive each day. But it still feels strange to not be pregnant or nursing an infant. In fact this month was the first time since October 2010 that I had a menstrual cycle (sorry if that is TMI I just figure that 99% of my blog readers are females anyways) You many be thinking how is that possible.... Well, I got pregnant in November 2010, gave birth to Josse in August 2011, nursed for 1 year, while I was weaning in August 2012 I found out I was pregnant again (big surprise), then gave birth to Jewel in April 2013 and nursed again for 1 year, which brings us to now May 2014. I have basically been a baby cooker/milk machine for almost 4 years straight. I have been parking in "expectant mom/mothers with newborn parking" for just as long! I believe that if you are a nursing mom you deserve to get front row parking whether or not the rest of society deems your child a "newborn". If you were up at 3am feeding a baby then by golly you get FRONT ROW PARKING! lol

All of that to say I couldn't really figure out my emotions this morning, I just felt different and a little strange. I had a bit of sadness come over me and it's not that I want to be pregnant (because I don't!) and it's not that I want to still be nursing Jewel because I really had a peace about weaning her at 12 months... I guess I am just realizing that that season in my life has come to an end. I started to question if I cherished the past 3.5 years enough and I am not sure if I totally did. Sometimes it takes leaving a season to realize how precious it really was. In the midst of it all (pregnancy & breastfeeding) it seemed so hard and overwhelming but as I pack away my maternity clothes, nursing tank tops and nursing bra's I am an emotional wreck (typical woman I suppose). I thought about continuing to nurse Jewel a bit longer but she had such an easy, smooth, transition to milk that I don't really think it would benefit her that much more.  I have come to realize and appreciate that every mom & situation is different; some mother's do not nurse/pump (whether that is the decision they chose or because of reasons outside of their control), others do it a few weeks, months, a full year, 18 months, and even until 2+. I did a little research and then talked to my pediatrician and just went with what they recommended because it worked for me, but I have quickly come to realize that every doctor has different opinions and recommendations. If only there was a magic handbook for raising children with all of the best answers.

So one chapter is closing and another is beginning. I suppose the perks to this new chapter is that my body can finally go back to some what normal, maybe I will shed these last 5 lbs, hopefully my hormones will level out and after almost 4 years I can say good bye to maternity & nursing-friendly clothes. I think a little of the sadness I feel comes with acknowledging that my youngest is getting older although she is still a little baby. Throughout this day I am once again reminded to enjoy the season and appreciate the stages my girls are going through. Although being pregnant seemed oh so difficult at the time there are definitely parts of it I miss (I would have never thought those words would come out of my mouth!) and even though breast feeding was a little bit of a struggle at times and getting mastitis was not fun, I will always cherish those moments with my girls. Right now the diaper changing seems like it will never end but I know one day I will miss changing those precious baby bums and even though there are times I wish my girls could feed themselves I know one day I will miss those little miniature baby spoons and forks in my kitchen drawers.

So whether your a mama or not, enjoy every season and stage of your life. One day you'll look back and you may miss even the most difficult of times. 

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven" Ecclesiastes 3:1

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